Cat and Mouse! Kitten and Louse! Trapped!

Cat and Mouse

Kitten and Louse

Trapped

A Comedy

A Tragedy

Hey Basia;

How are you doing? I was just looking at yesterday's date and thought of a wonderful time when we had hooked up back in Mauritius. Anyway, how time passes and how we've all changed...(He is just the same as always).

Hope you're doing well and that your life is full of wonderful times. Send you all my best.

Maybe there was too much available on the island for things to really get weird..... Something I wrote there on my last night... Hope we can remain open and friends (and also pay visits to one another...).

Well many happy birthday wishes even if there are faraway ones still... You're an amazing woman and the one who really changed me you know...

Hey Basia,

How are you? You know I was just thinking that there were many understandings between us and thought that I'd just clear up a few of them...especially when going through some of our last exchanges and moments shared.. This isn't something I'd do in person, but the distance really changes things…

Well it's my last day here on the island, I just had an aroma therapy and hot stone massage(it's a lot better too by the sea in a tropical environment).

It's really weird that none of this would ever happened had we not met, because you inspired me so so much everyday and for once in my life I really connected with someone on the same frequency... 

I must be a good person, all these people are coming to leave me at the airport and wish me all the best, but a lot have told me to be careful of women, especially hungry greedy ones who only want something for themselves. Don't worry I know what they mean, and you were never one of those types, well I hope not..

Yes we did lose the connection, especially since our last meeting was so beyond incredible, even better than the 1st time we had met. But I really tried everything I could to keep it alive and put events in motion that would change all that. It's just really heartbreaking that you didn't think that I was credible or good enough to have the pleasure of your unique company... What did I do to you that convinced you that I'd end up deceiving you and hurting you one day, what did it, please tell me...

If I really never saw anything splendid and beloved in you, I'd never have put so much of my life into you and ignored everything around me.. Guess you really have that effect on me where time just stands still and this isn't a mere obsession, but the pain of longing and wanting to cherish someone entirely beloved...

You told me that you can't spend time living in other people's heads... hmmm wasn't there a film, Being Basia;)?

I know that we all have to do our own things that make us happy but don't you ever think that it is honourable to do the thing that makes 'us' happier instead, doesn't that mean something in a more ultraistic manner and harmomises the balance holistically. We all have to make certain comprises to be really happy eventually. No one is really happy doing entirely what they themselves want.

Maybe it's a cultural confusion between the two of us.

You see the thing is that I've lived in many cultures and was also raised in a mixed marriage family, so it's very common for me to see things from an external as well as my very own internal perspective.. So I tend to see things not always just for myself but also for the better collective around me.. It's very common in Asian societies to exhibit such characteristics as opposed to more Western culture where the norm is to do things for individual self instead. Both have their advantages, no doubt in different circumstances. I'm fortunate enough to be able to view both sides of the coin. That's why for me, perhaps it was rather difficult at times to comprehend the nature of your impatience and I tried in my own way to resolve it but rushed many things, but oh well we all must live with the choices that we make in this life...

I'm not just making this up with mere words and useless rhetoric. The way people communicate with one another has always fascinated me and has tremendously helped me before in adapting and adjusting to new social patterns in new environments. There's a renowned psychologist, Steven Pinker who wrote a famous book called 'The Language Instinct' which explains that children who pick up and use different languages in a multicultural environment at a very early age tend to display such characteristics and this helps along with their mental spatial awareness later in their adult years... I'm not kidding you and I know what I'm talking about. Here's looking to you kid..

Now I've told you previously that I too gave up a lot in my life, along with the chance to live a more stable life and settle down here on the island. But I was overwhelmingly convinced that you were worth all the risks and efforts because the rewards would be ultimately priceless. Some comforts in life are worth losing if it means that there could be greater things ahead, especially stability, which I've been longing for a very time after a life of moving around..

I guess now that we'll never really know and that will be one of life's most sought-after  mysteries that will be never solved...

It really hurts how you think I could've been so shallow and naive, maybe I was, maybe I wasn't...But when you meet and get to know someone really exceptional, you change yourself for that person and allow you to be more open and understanding in some kind of beloved way... You start to see things from that person's point of view and that person's love really makes you surprise even your own abilities... Another time another place...

Another thing is that for me personally I really don't like confrontations, I can't stand it! 

That's why I'm very diplomatic in person and usually always try to find peaceful solutions. I felt doubts at your end for a long time, but really didn't believe that these things could happen because love conquers all they say...But it's really hard when you're missing someone constantly and that person doesn't realise that you're really in it for the longest term... You eventually mess it all up by saying more than what you have to say and then cross the line...I'm so sorry Basia...

Please Basia, let me hear something from you, whatever it is, whatever mood or not you're in... 

You know how I am in person, please don't deny and bury what we had, even if it wasn't much for you (for me it was the best ever because it had really good seeds to blossom into something everlasting).. I know what happened did happen and whatever happened has already happened. What's done is done and cannot be undone.. But I know when I see something good (and you're great) and what I can give is a lot for a very happy life according to how you want it.. It's true that I may not know a lot about you, but I could spend my life near you cherishing everyday if that means getting to know you a bit better until it becomes a lot.. All the fun would be gone if you know everything about somebody and then there's nothing left at the end of the tether...

I didn't try to manipulate you or control you but when you talk to someone for so many hours with these ridiculous phone bills, that must mean something, especially the things that we talked about after our meetings eh....

Sure I may not be confident, but can you blame me after all the things that've happened this year, and don't tell me all those things were minor events...

My words now and all the ones before were just a slight glimpse of what I really wanted to do but I couldn't, so many wasted dreams and so much pain.. You really got a hold of me Basia..Maybe I haven't known you for six years or more, but I'd sure be willing to spend lots of them with you making you very pleased and respected...  In person, to always honour and cherish you, treating you with the topmost respect and devotion, making you the joy in my life, the pride of my soul, the ...

Really Basia, I'm tired of the words too, maybe that's why they come out wrong sometimes...I can't believe I'm not trying to get over you because you really mean a lot to me, and it's not just everything that I'd lose for you, but really sharing a wonderful future with you which would be simply fabulous and spiritually enriching!

I think we deserve a chance, at least in person with better conditions this time for both of us... I'll be nearby next week, you see if I didn't honour my promise to you. But then if you don't want to see me or talk to me, I'll understand....

_______________________________

Hello Basia,

Well dear, how are you? This is a private diary letter I wrote just to get some of my feelings out but I guess I can share it with you… This isn't easy to write at all, so many emotions and feelings crossing over, it's hard to focus and relax, but I'll try, what the heck eh as the films of Elizabeth Taylor ('Cat On a Hot Tin Roof' now and later 'Butterfield 8') play in the background with a box of tissues! Well at least I can do so since it's impossible to sleep these days even more…

But enough about me, how are things going lately dear? Let me cut to the chase and be direct, I need to know how you're doing and how are things working out with your new boyfriend! Have you fallen already in love and melting all over? I know that you've told me that you've known this person for 6yrs but do be careful ok, I just wonder why you guys never hooked up a lot earlier, I hope that I never interfered or got in the way of your future plans. So you think that this might be really something worth pursuing? Tell me please…

Other than that what else is going in your life? How's work going? What new novels have you been reading? I've always enjoyed your observations and comments you know, so rich and passionate! You always paint a very scenic picture!!

I know that things may seem at times very gloomy especially at the age that we're at, you know in terms of security and stability, that kind of thing if you know what I mean... I really look for those things now especially after spent a lifetime moving around and having avoided getting close in terms of relationship to not cause harm to others… It's also scaring me that at this age, I'm actually middle-aged now (yikes!) (if I consider my father's life) and so don't want to feel lonely (when I know that I made someone feel so special and loved) like my father did as he could never move on with his life after a rough draining divorce and couldn't pursue his dreams… I just hope that it's not the end of the road for us, because I won't force you to do anything that you and your family condones!

Sorry to bring up the topic but it's such a big issue in the Eastern cultures here and now I'm starting to really regret things because of the way that events unfolded for us… I had a big argument with my father last year after I decided not to pursue something serious with a friend of mine whose family was also close friends of the family… But that was a choice that I had made and must live by even if it brought shame to my family, I didn't care, because I've always had strong convictions in my beliefs and was always raised to do so!

Sorry to be bringing this up but it's just an important issue in the culture here where when one wants to pursue a relationship, one asks the head of the family for the honour, it may seem cheesy and traditional but it's just about respect and family! I just stood up for what (and whom) I believed in, I just didn't share this with you at the time, because I knew whom I was after and whom my heart belonged to!

But you know something I've always thought that you were a very beautiful person very caring and tender inside and so cheerful on the outside (as well as very very pretty) and that any man who understands you and can make you feel cared for will be so so so lucky and blessed with a long prosperous life! There's an inner-child in you that just sparkles and radiates with so much warm energy and optimism! Your parents should be so proud of you!!

I'm really scared Basia because I never really wanted to lose you and gave so much of myself to you (even many times neglecting and annoying my own father i.e. my best friend which I feel so awful for having done and lost) that I feel that I'll never be able to love another as I did you, so naturally; you were the one and I still think you are (even if you're the one that got away)!

I've always enjoyed your company and have to say that the best part of knowing you was just sharing the simple pleasures of simple stories and observations! And to know a woman who loves to talk about food, films, stories, cultures, observations and always interesting things is just too rare and golden! I know that maybe it's not much if we take the best moments in terms of vacations and telephone calls, but it was something and I believed that we could've had lots more and still continue to share such viewpoints. Ok here I go, talking and babbling again and again and again, but I don't care Basia, because I've realized something and it's that you're too precious and there's something definitely about Basia (have you ever seen the film 'There's Something About Mary' heh heh?)! Hmmm it's true that you don't know much about me but what if we had our lives to find out all these wonderful little things about each other! Just a thought dear…

It may be hard to digest but I have to be comforted if you're happy, even if I have to fake a smile on the outside and feel empty on the inside if you're to find comfort in the arms of another…

Oh Basia, I never meant to manipulate or do so now! What concerns me though is why you think I would've done such a thing ever to you? What makes you think that I could resort to such dirty tricks, especially after the greatest love I've ever had! I know that we connected on so many levels previously, so many times effortlessly and naturally and intimately too. I know that I did reach somewhere very deep in yourself and made you feel so loved, cherished, valued, etc. as you did me – the great mystification process as I recall!  

I keep reading all your old emails to learn what I already know about you since the distance presents a great handicap but it's just that it's so pleasant the things that you said before, especially since you expressed them from the heart and that means a lot to me in terms of loyalty (and I know that there can be still be more)… I'm going to be living in London soon and will surely be able to visit you quite often (and not just once a year, but maybe every fortnight). Who knows, maybe I should just move to Warsaw and ask you to marry me!

Maybe you need to know, maybe you don't… But I'm sure you can confirm from your experiences that moving locations (never mind internationally) doesn't happen just like that! I don't have to remind you dear, you know how topsy-turvy these things can get!

Anyway, this week I'm preparing my things to be shipped and getting my air-ticket. I'm in the office this week just finalizing some corrections of exams (even if I'm not getting paid for it and working for free, it's my sense of professionalism and duty) and then that's it, it's adios amigos!

I'm not even asking my sister because she's having a hard time too, especially after she had her credit cards stolen and used and is going to take care of my brother for now and later I'll be taking over! My brother is going to be returning to Canada for university, I told him to do so for financial and opportunistic reasons since it's a lot easier to find better-paying jobs there and it's very multicultural as well… Too bad I can't join him there since I've already made commitments now, we'll see… Ideally I would've stayed on the island until December (and maybe not had given up on a university job last May that would've had a PhD opportunity in Canada at the start of next year), because financially speaking things would've been better, but it's too late now to cry over spilt milk…

I just thought that someone was really waiting all this time and I didn't want to let her down…. Yes, you've probably heard this before or don't like the sound of it, but what can you do eh? I'm sorry if it hurts you dear, but there comes a time in your life with all your age and wisdom when you meet someone you really fall head over heels with and see that the feelings are mutual and that you can enjoy life's simplicities together and just take your chances with and get to know them better overtime… I'm just saying that I've learned taking sacrifices to help others does have its rewards even if they're not fun in the beginning, just the act of helping someone without reward is so satisfying, especially when you can feel how much it is appreciated, like when I left Canada and my high-profile job to care for my father, which was so worth it and it did lead me to cross paths with a truly exceptional Lady!!!!

I must admit that over the last months, my whole plan to move got completely sidetracked with my father's passing and family affairs, but I had to stay to take care of family business, because that's me and I'm so sorry that I couldn't communicate this to you earlier…  The more that I think about things, I can't help but feel responsible for what happened to my father because I wasn't there to take care of him and this made him really sad,especially when he was there for me so many times and gave up so much to take care and spend time with us…

I know that I've said some mean and nasty things to you and it's not really fair… I was just hoping that we could always be more than just 'friends', although knowing you as a friend is 'still' an honour and I don't forget all the wonderful things that you've shown me during the intimate times and talks we've shared together on those special golden occasions…

I'm sincerely very sorry to have caused you any prolonged sufferings or led you to believing in any false promises… But I hope that you're in better spirits now and being the good old kitten that I like to remember and more… That's what is important in the end; it'll make me feel much better if I know that you're feeling better dear. Just so that you know, I remember all the things you've said whether they were comforting or discomforting…

I really 'still' think about you a lot you know… I admit that even though we didn't share many physical moments, you were still a part of my life… Perhaps I got too used to the idea of the long-distance and forgot your needs… I just read all your saved mails and felt so sad in having disappointed you in the end, especially after raising your hopes so high previously and admiring your inner thoughts… I'm really really sorry for my obsessive and depressive behaviour over the last several months. I have to admit that I haven't been myself and that things have been very hard, feeling so alone often… Many things happened here too that were beyond my control…

I know that somewhere along the way especially after my father's passing that a part of me filled with laughter and humour was lost (a part that I carry from my upbringing no doubt), but you know something you have that special key to reopen that part in me and I know that I still have what it takes to make you feel beloved in person. What we had is too special to just discard and replace, remember that please!

Yours Always and True,

Naische F.

P.S. I'm feeling so lost and confused these days. Could I be a bad person after all or is it true what they say that nice guys finish last? I met an amazing Lady who had a very special kindred spirit and we had kept in touch over some time. What really amazed me was how we both shared similar sentiments with such ease and passion,  you could call it a gift from the heavens and maybe it was fate, even if I don't believe in all that mumbo jumbo… And I know that I made her feel so warm and loved on numerous occasions. The only problem with our connection laid in our physical geographical distance which will be a thing of the past! She's absolutely worth it in every respect! I'm not trying to manipulate her or bring up money arguments; I just want her to know that I'm still in love with her and willing to bet everything on her and offer every ounce of support that I can offer to her! She sometimes says some nasty things but maybe it's just because she really does care for me after all, because if you really care for someone, then you'll take the time to argue with them, no? I know that I have many experiences to offer (many of whom I thank my parents and many self-taught) and have to confidence to meet her every needs and rise to the challenges that life has to offer us! The truth hurts at times, but for what it's worth, it's sure great! I'm not going to let you down and deceive you!

P.P.S. You've said many things and I don't want to prove you wrong and make you believe that you were wasting all your time and energy all this time, that's not right for such a unique beautiful Lady named Basia! I want to meet you again and learn exactly what makes you tick and why you like the things that you do and just make you laugh!! Please darling, it's not right for both of us the way things just end like that, we owe it to ourselves!

P.P.P.S. Hey any new clothes for you lately? I visited my tailor last week to make some new suits and French-cuffed shirts, and was delighted to hear how much weight I've lost (on the old belly)… What do you think for a top-notch Italian silk suit, 4 metres of patterned fabric from Zegna at PLZ 300 and labour cost PLZ 300 for a total of PLZ600 per suit? The quality and feel is tip-top and really sharp! They help a lot in careers heh heh, it's just a going-away present and guess it's nice to love oneself before you can be ready to love others…

Kitten was the victim.

Yet even in all his pleading it's all about him. Displaying self-importance and the all about 'me' mentality. Line for line, verbatim. There is a disgust and sadness when good a woman must endure such rhetoric. Never once did he say to her, "I love you!" He only tried to make her feel guilty, his Modus Operandi. 

The same lines time after time.  - ELB

The Mourning Bride (1697) 

"Vile and ingrate! too late thou shalt repent

The base Injustice thou hast done my Love:

Yes, thou shalt know, spite of thy past Distress,

And all those Ills which thou so long hast mourn'd;

Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd, 

Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd." -  William Congreve

March, 1, 2011

"Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent to them and those who know them, especially if the author has been kind enough to have provided their real names. All events described herein actually happened, though on occasion the author has taken certain, very small, liberties with chronology, because that is her right as an American."